Confessing - I am struggling..

Dear Readers

My last post was on August 8. Since then a lot has happened (and not happened).

In middle September I went for my monthly clinic-visit at Steve Biko Academic Hospital. 
Now, we all know that different clinics have different LF machines which means that you cannot compare two different machines' results to analyse your progress. You can, however, still estimate how well your lungs are doing in general.

In September my lung function was 52 or something (on the Steve Biko machines). That already is quite a drop. 

Then on 24 October I did my monthly visit again. That morning I did not nebulise with Saline or Gentamycin because it was one of those hectic mornings. It was also a cloudy, cold day which makes my lungs feel a bit worse. I did not even have time to eat breakfast.
Anyways, I got my LF results and it has dropped to 48.


Now the question you might ask is:
"Why did your lung function drop so badly, even when you did everything a CF is supposed to do?"

Well, my fellow readers, I have been going through a difficult time CF- and religion-wise. 

1. I KNOW a CF has to nebulise at least twice a day.
2. I KNOW we have to do regular exercise.
3. I KNOW we have to get enough sleep and drink all our pills.
4. I KNOW we have to eat healthy and not skip breakfast.
5. I KNOW we have to use our flutter .
6. I KNOW we have to trust and have faith in God Almighty.

But, and this is quite hard (though in a way not so hard) for me to tell you - I have not been one of the most well-behaved CF the past couple of months.

Why?

I DON'T KNOW.

1. I don't nebulise twice a day.

In the mornings I always nebulise. But at night I feel so .. dead inside. I have no will to nebulise. Not just because I am tired or exhausted. But mainly because I cannot motivate myself.

2. I don't exercise enough.

For a month our netball was cancelled because it was over the vacation period. But did I jog / jump on the trampoline / do something else for exercise?
No.

Why?

Because I tend to do only the things I like. That is why I will NEVER EVER stop playing netball for as long as I live. But jogging and gymming - I hate that. My lungs burn and I suffer all the way through exercising. Plus, I don't have money to go to a gym where trainers motivate and help you. I am a student for goodness sake. I just don't have those funds.
I also don't have that will that drives me to look after myself...

3. I don't sleep well and I don't drink all my pills.

Why?

I don't know. I don't have that will and desire which makes me remember to drink all my pills. (Of course this doesn't go for Creon as I drink this almost every time.)

4. I am not eating healthily enough. 

Why?

Because I tend to be so busy (especially the last couple of months, which is a story on its own), and I don't always have time to eat breakfast. But when I do eat, I still eat a lot. I just have to get to that point where I tell myself: "You WILL eat breakfast for your health's sake!!"

5. I am not using my flutter.

Why?

Because I hate coughing. I hate that burning sensation in my lungs. I hate the sound of coughing. I hate having to spit out mucus constantly. But I especially hate fluttering. It is awful and hard and time consuming.
Once again, I don't have that WILL POWER in me.
I just don't know why.

6. I have trouble trusting...

This is perhaps one of the most sensitive topics I can discuss since not everyone is Christian. Some non-Christians might take an opportunity like this to try to prove to me that there is no God. Therefore I call upon my fellow Christians to help me believe like a child again.

I have never ever had trouble believing. I knew (and still know) God is good. I knew (and still know) He is out there looking after me. I knew (and still know) He loves me and hates to see me like this.
I know His hand is only a millimetre  away from mine.

But I am having so much trouble with my faith.

Why?

I DON'T KNOW. In my previous post I described how great God was when the HIV tests were negative. So HOW ON EARTH can I be so selfish and not trust him? How can I be such a horrible person and not pray as much as I should?
How can I not read my Bible as often as I should?

This makes me sad. I cry a lot. I feel so empty inside. I know God is right beside me. I just don't know how to get our relationship back on track again.


My fellow readers..
As you can see I have confessed to a lot of things I am doing wrong. But I am not proud of it. I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for not looking after myself.

I, as I have said, feel so dead and empty inside.

"Then what about your parents, friends and support systems?"

They are wonderful!
I love them so much!
Everyone is so supportive and tries so hard to understand.
I don't know where I would have been if it weren't for them.

But that is not enough. Although they really try to understand, they don't know with how much pain and suffering I really sit.

I don't want to talk to them about that which I have just confessed to. 
I know my parents will be angry and disappointed. I know what their reactions will be like and I don't want that. Their reactions will make me mad and insane all over again.

So, I don't know what to do. I sometimes don't have tears any more. I just feel sad.

It really is hard to Breathe and to Believe...

(To be continued in a second post coming soon...)